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I’m in one of those moods that I feel like I need a good rant, but I think I would just end up ripping the heads off people that really don’t deserve it.  At the moment I’m past caring for reelz.

I think I’ve gotten to that point where stupid things that people do on Buzznet bug the fuckin’ hell out of me.  They don’t know that it bugs me, & I think I’m totally on my own in feeling this way.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve stayed to long at a party.  I also feel increasing like I’m a dinosaur with my crazy ideals.  I remember the golden time before badges.

To me Buzznet is meant to be a fun place, but recently I think I’ve been taking things way to seriously.  Watching videos like this by XblanksFace comforts me into thinking that maybe there is hope (if you haven’t watched this video yet you really should).

Things I really have issues with are people that criticize the way things are done on Buzznet & scream favouritism if things don’t seem to go their way.  I’m not directing this comment at just one person, because for fuck sakes I’ve read enough journals about this over the months.  I’m just sick of the whinny arse people; if they don’t like it here they should just fuck off & leave. (I totally realise that this is a whinny arse journal).

I’m feed up of people copy other peoples ideas almost like they are painting by numbers in hope they can achieve what someone else has.  I still hate the obsession with badges; if people want a badge that badly they should just join the Buzz Mob. I hate that some people feel they have to steal other people's photo to make it on Buzznet. :C

I love Buzznet, but not the people with the give me attitude.  I want these people to love Buzznet & stop shitting on it.

I’m just breezing through.  I will be back on Buzznet on Monday.  Sorry I haven’t commented in like forever, but Monday I promise I will. :)

Well I knew that I had issues already & I think most people that know me on an un-superficial level know that too.  Today I had a therapy session that made me feel that maybe changing my therapist was a bad idea.  I seem to be raking over the same crap over & over again.  When the fuck do I get to the part where I feel better?

I apparently have issues with June (as well as May the months) I was told today, almost as if I blank it out.  He was digging too deep to things I don’t want talk about.  The subject changing of skipping past things never works, but silence does.  I’m scared about how I’d feel if I did let go & talk about it.  Denying things to myself is one thing & when I’m made to talk about it makes the wall of denial crumble.

I’m so stressed & depressed (did I say that out loud?) at the moment that I just want to disappear.  Sometimes I do feel like I’m a ghost of who I was & then I wonder is this the way things are going to be forever.  I feel like I’ve been in a bad mood for a month, things have been bad like this before, but not this long since I started on Buzznet.  How did I end up here again?

I wish my mind was quiet then I could sleep for a million years.  When I'd wake up from my rest the world wouldn’t know me then I could silently merge in again.

I have been busy this week & trying really hard to get into a lighter mood, but nothing seems to works.  The road to temptation is a short one, but I'm not going there.

The only person I feel like I can talk to this about this too is Simone, she doesn’t need me to fill in the gaps & she’s a great listener; I fuckin’ miss her as a flatmate.

There are so many things that have happened in my past that I some how allow to define me now.  I don’t know how things got like this I just slip into having other things control me.  I not a control freak… OK I am, but I still think I have a right to be pissed off about my past defining my life.

I took a stand this year, I maybe seen as a heartless twat, but I chose not to go this year.  I know that 10 year anniversary of my mothers death should have involved me spending it with her family.  They don’t live that far from me I know this very likely makes it worse, but this is my life.

I call the shots.  I’m refusing negative things in my past to eat away at my life I’m living now.  I’m no ray of sun shine, but I’m going to give this happiness thing a try.

I haven’t comment or posted anything this week, because I just didn’t feel like it.  I’m going to try too tonight.  Sorry in advance if I don’t get chance too, but I’m going to try really hard to get round to as many people as I can (OMG I sound so lame).

At the moment I’m not feeling 100%.  Yeah you guessed it I’m taking a brake.

On 20^th May it’s the ten year anniversary of my mother’s death.

I just don’t feel like being online at the moment.

I will be back when I’m feeling more like it.

Catch you later.

There is good news one of my sea monkeys is pregnant.

I spent the day with an ex who is now a good friend Denise.  We went shopping I didn’t buy anything, but she bought a lot clothes & she asked me a long to give my opinion on clothes (I find this kind of thing fun, it’s a dirty secret).

After the shopping trip I came home & chilled for awhile.  I went out Saturday night to a nightclub with Eddie & Hugo.  I crawled home about 2am alone & sober. 

Sunday

This was the hardest day of my week & year.  It was the 20^th which marked the 9 year anniversary of my mother’s death.  This is the only time that I have contact with my mother’s side of the family.  They are Catholics & believe I should burn in hell for my life style, so I avoid them as much as possible.

Every year it’s like we are re-living the wake.  I wish it could be about the celebration of her life.  She was a wonderful person.  I think I am more like her than my father; she was very creative.  She had a great love of making things like; toys, knitting, sculpting, & painting.  

When my mother became sick towards the end of 1997, I wasn’t told how bad it was.  The whole time I was kept in the dark.  Her death on 20^th May 1998 took me by surprise, I look back wish I had spent more time with her. 

In the afternoon I came home & chilled, wanting to forget about my relatives for another year.